Tuesday, July 24, 2007

One-Liners

1.If you understand, say "understand" . If you don't understand, say "don't understand". But if you understand and say "don't understand". How do I understand that you understand? Understand!

2.I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.


3.Sounding by sound is a sound method of sounding sounds.


4.A sailor went to sea to see, what he could see. And all he could see was sea, sea, sea.


5 .Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People


6 .If two witches were watching two watches, which witch would watch which watch?


7 .I thought a thought.But the thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought I thought. If the thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought, I wouldn't have thought so much.


8.Once a fellow met a fellow In a field of beans. Said a fellow to a fellow, "If a fellow asks a fellow, Can a fellow tell a fellow What a fellow means?"


9.Mr Inside went over to see Mr Outside. Mr Inside stood outside and called to MrOutside inside. Mr Outside answered Mr Inside from inside and Told Mr Inside to come inside. Mr Inside said "NO", and told Mr Outside to come outside. MrOutside and Mr Inside argued from inside and outside about going outside or coming inside. Finally, Mr Outside coaxed Mr Inside to come inside, then both Mr Outside and Mr Inside went outside to the riverside.


10.SHE SELLS SEA SHELLS ON THE SEA SHORE , BUT THE SEA SHELLS THAT SHE SELLS, ON THE SEA SHORE ARE NOT THE REAL ONES


11.The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside outside his inside inn.


12.If one doctor doctors another doctor does the doctor who doctors the doctor doctor the doctor the way the doctor he is doctoring doctors? Or does the doctor doctor the way the doctor who doctors doctors?
"When a doctor falls ill another doctor doctor's the doctor. Does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctor the doctor in his own way or does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctors the doctor in the doctor's way"


13.We surely shall see the sun shine shortly. Whether the weather be fine, Or whether the weather be not, Whether the weather be cold Or whether the weather be hot, We'll weather the weather Whatever the weather, Whether we like it or not. watch? Whether the weather is hot. Whether the weather is cold. Whether the weather is either or not. It is whether we like it or not.


14.Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.
15.A flea and a fly in a flue Said the fly "Oh what should we do" Said the flea" Let us fly Said the fly"Let us flee" So they flew through a flaw in the flue


16.If you tell Tom to tell a tongue-twister his tongue will be twisted as tongue-twister twists tongues.


17.Mr. See owned a saw.And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw. Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw Before Soar saw See, Which made Soar sore.Had Soar seen See's saw Before See sawed Soar's seesaw, See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw. So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.But it was sad to see Soar so sore Just because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.....

Words-Magic



someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(wait until you see the last one)


DORMITORY
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM





PRESBYTERIAN
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER






ASTRONOMER
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER






DESPERATION
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT






THE EYES
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE






GEORGE BUSH
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE






THE MORSE CODE
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS






SLOT MACHINES
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME






ANI MOSITY
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY






ELECTION RESULTS
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES LET'S RECOUNT






MOTHER-IN-LAW
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER






SNOOZE ALARMS
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS NO MORE Z'S






A DECIMAL POINT
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE






THE EARTHQUAKES
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE






ELEVEN PLUS TWO
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE






AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA :
When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

Monday, July 2, 2007

Why-Newton-Commits-Suicide

Here is the reason. Why Newton Committed Suicide.....


Once, Newton came to India and watched a few Tamil movies that had his head spinning. He was convinced that all his logic and laws in physics were just a huge pile of junk and apologized for everything he had done.

In the movie of Rajanikanth, Newton was confused to such an extent that he went paranoid.

Here are a few scenes


1) Rajanikanth has a Brain Tumor which, according to the doctors can't be cured and his death is imminent. In one of the fights, our great Rajanikanth is shot in the head. To everybody's surprise, the bullet passes through his ears taking away the tumor along with it and he is cured! Long Live Rajanikanth!


2) In another movie, Rajanikanth is confronted with 3 gangsters. Rajanikanth has a gun but unfortunately only one bullet and a knife. Guess, what he does? He throws the knife at the middle gangster? & shoots the bullet towards the knife. The knife cuts the bullet into 2 pieces, which kills both the gangsters on each side of the middle gangster & the knife kills the middle one.


3) Rajanikanth is chased by a gangster. Rajanikanth has a revolver but no bullets in it. Guess, what he does. Nah? not even in your remotest imaginations. He waits for the gangster to shoot. As soon as the gangster shoots, Rajanikanth opens the bullet compartment of his revolver and catches the bullet. Then, he closes the bullet compartment and fires his gun. Bang... the gangster dies...

This was too much for our Newton to take! He was completely shaken and decided to go back. But he happened to see another movie for one last time, and thought that at least one movie would follow his theory of physics. The whole movie goes fine and Newton is happy that all in the world hasn't changed. Oops, not so fast!

The 'climax' finally arrives. Rajanikanth gets to know that the villain is on the other side of a very high wall. So high that Rajanikanth can't jump even if he tries like one of those superman techniques that our heroes normally use. Rajanikanth has to desperately kill the villain because it's the climax. (Newton dada is smiling since it is virtually impossible?) Rajanikanth suddenly pulls two guns from his pockets. He throws one gun in the air and when the gun has reached above the height of the wall, he uses the second gun and shoots at the trigger of the first gun in air. The first gun fires off and the villain is dead.


Newton commits suicide

Saturday, June 30, 2007

ABC-To-Achive-Your-Dreams

Avoid negative sources, people, places, things and habits.



Believe in yourself.



Consider things from every angle.



Don't give up and don't give in.



Enjoy life today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow may never come.



Family and friends are hidden treasures; enjoy their riches.



Give more than you planned to.



Hang on to your dreams.



Ignore those who try to discourage you.



Just do it.



Keep trying no matter how hard it seems, it will get easier.



Love yourself first and most.



Make it happen.



Never lie, cheat or steal, always strike a fair deal.



Open your eyes and see things as they really are.



Practice makes perfect.



Quitters never win and winners never quit.



Read, study and learn about everything important in your life.



Stop procrastinating.



Take control of your own destiny.



Understand yourself in order to better understand others.



Visualize it.



Want it more than anything.



Extra efforts.



You are unique of all God's creations, nothing can replace YOU.



Zero in on your target and go for it!

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Marketing-Man-Explaination

MARKETING MAN EXPLAINING


THE REASON FOR

HAVING TWO WIFES

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Monopoly is always damaging

&

Competition improves service

Monday, June 25, 2007

Quotes-At-Various-Places



# Sign on a railway station at Patna:
Aana free, jaana free,
pakde gaye to khana free.

# Seen on a famous beauty parlor in
Bombay:
Don't whistle at the girl going out from here.
She may be your grandmother!


# Seen on a bulletin board:
Success is relative
More the success, more the relatives.


# Sign at a barber's saloon in Juhu,
Bombay:
We need your heads to run our business.


# A traffic slogan:
Don't let your kids drive if they are not old enough - or else they never will be.....



#THE BEST ONE:
Its God's responsibility to forgive the terrorist organizations
It's our responsibility to arrange the meeting between them and god."

Friday, June 22, 2007

Colledge-Days

Note: PLZ READ THIS WITH PROPER FACIAL EXPRESSION AND VOICE MODULATION

Reminds of those College days.... years of non-stop masti... Aint U nostalgic tooo… read on …


1. On being Late To Lecture


"Kab chalu hua?"

"Attendance ho gayakya??"

"Kal raat der tak gappe marte rahe yaar"


"Aab neend nahi khuli to mein kya karu........ . bol na ....... kal kya padaya tha sir ne"

"Kal se pakka jaldi class karunga"


"Ek page de na.......... abe pen bhi to de......."

"Kal proxy mara tha kya"

"Yaar iss class ke liye koi subah kaise aa sakta hai........"








2. During the lecture


"Yesss!!!! Sir.......The answer is

......huuuummmmm. ......aaaaaaaa. ......... .."

"No sir.....I know the answer ......sir... ."


"Saala apne aapko Newtonsamajta hai"( maan hi maan )

"Abe lecture ko chod..... Anjali kya lag rahi hai aaj........"

"Uske bagal mein nahi baith sakta tha.......gadha. ......"

"mera assignment tere paas hai??"


"Kya bore ho raha hai. Bola tha cigarette pene chalte hain ."

"Heads, we go canteen , Tails, we go canteen now!!!"

"Boss class khatam hote hi chai chahiye..... ."







3. Lab


"Expt. 2 likha??"

"Idhar Karna kya hai??"

"Yeh bhai.....mereko aata to tere pass kyon aata........ "


"Areee tu to bura maan gaya.......data dikha na........."








4. Unit Test


"Unit test???? ......Aree yaar...... "

"Kya...... abe unit test mein itna topic hai to annual mein kya hoga...."


"Boss..... hogaya...... aur nahi ho sakta....... .jaan nahi de sakta....... "

"Oh !!! Itna syllabus cover ho gaya?"

"Aaj kounsa test hai?"

"Oye Sanjiv kaha hai......uska roll number mere baad hai.......wo nahi aaya to mein pakka fail...."

After test......

"yaar pada tha....recall nahi kar paya.......chhod na ....... Canteenchalega. .."








5. For attendance (less attendance isliye attendance badane ke liye bahane)


"I was in the class, lecturer mark karna bhool gaya"

"Oye usko thoda khus kar list se tera naam hata dega........ "


"Bola tha proxy regularly maar....... Saaletera class karne ka kya faida hua....."





6. Late submission of assignments


"Maineukko bola thaa ki copy karke mera assgnment bhi saath mein submit kar dena"


"Last date extend hua thaa"

"I didn't know the last date"

"Ab mein kya karu wo mereko bole bina hi submit kar diya......."


"They should allow XEROX....... ."








7 . After exam


"Yeh bhi syllabus mein thaa kya?"

"Achha !!! ye aise hota hai kya?"


"Ye subject ka reference book kounsa hai"


"1st mein 3 marks.....2nd mein 0.......3rd mein 2....... Gaya........ ..fail pakka....... "

"Yaar notice lagte hi faad dena........ wo kya soochegi mera marks dekh kar......"








8 . VIVA (b4 exam)


"Submission ab tak hua nahi hai , VIVA kya ghanta doonga"

"Aeee......Rohit. ....terese kya poocha...... ."

"External ke ghar mein bacche nahi hai kya......."

"Dekh Boss!! external bhi aadmi hai. Usko pata hai students ka ab tak preparation nahi hua hai"











9 . VIVA (General)


"Dekh , tu jo bhi padhega , woh (external) tereko woh nahi poochhnewaala, then watz the point"

"Roll no. 1 aur 2 ka watt laga diya hai"


"External is asking BermudaTriangle ka Magnetic force kitna hai"

"Ye kounse unit mein aata hai"











10 . Submission


"Ye bhi chhapna hai kya?"


"Iska bhi print-out lena hai kya?"

"Jai ho computer baba ki......jai ho Ctrl C - Ctrl V ki......."

"Tujhe Sir ka sign aata hai kya?"





11 . A convo:


"Ye tune kya likha hai????"

(The best one)

"Jo word samajh mein aa raha hai woh likh, jo nahi samajh mein aa raha hai


uska drawing nikal"


"Phir bhi, kuch to idea hoga??"


" Maine uska likha hai, mera assignment check ho gaya, tu bhi wohi kar."

"Koi hint........ "

"Are baba ghasit de........na tu samjega na wo........"








12. Exam


"Jo (mujhe) aata hai, woh (paper mein)aata nahi hai; jo nahi aata hai woh aata hai"

"ye question 2 saal se nahi poochha hai"

"ye last time hi poochha thaa"

"tere paas is ke notes hai??"


"woh chapter... mark weightage 6 marks... (facial ex-pressions speaks the story)"

"nahi samjha to rat le"

"External ka aane ka pura scene hai....... "

"Iss paper mein roll number ka kya order hai........"


"Pichle paper mein to kuch to aata tha.......issmein to anda aata hai......"

"Ek aur din ka gap de dete to kya 3rd World War ho jata tha kya........"

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Good-PJ-Internet-Explorer


Woh kaun sa hindi geet hai jis main "Internet Explorer" ka zikar kiya gaya hai


Hint: The heroine also refers to herself as Internet Explorer.


If you don't know...

Scroll down for the answer...













































Scroll further down
























A bit more




























The answer is... Maine Pyar Kiya.

And the song goes....

Aajaa shaam hone IE (Internet Explorer)

Mausam ne lee angada IE

To kis baat ki hai lada IE

Tu chal........ Main IE !!!

Wedding-SQL-Query

Wedding Query....... . (SQL Server Stored Procedure Style)

CREATE PROCEDURE MyMarriage
@ BrideGroom Char(NotBad) ,
@ Bride Char(Good)
AS
BEGIN

SELECT Bride FROM india_ Brides
WHERE
FatherInLaw = 'Millionaire' AND
CarCount > 2 AND
HouseStatus ='TwoStoreyed' AND
BrideEduStatus='PG orAbove' AND
HavingBrothers='NO' AND
HavingSisters ='No' AND
AllowRelocate ='YES'

SELECT Gold ,Cash,Car,BankBalan ce FROM FatherInLaw

UPDATE MyBankAccout SET MyB al = MyBal + FatherinLawBal
UPDATE MyLocker SET MyLockerContents = MyLockerContents + FatherinLawGold

INSERT INTO MyCarShed VALUES ('BMW')

END
GO

.

.

.

Then the wife writes the below query:

DROP HUSBAND

Commit

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

How-To-Make-Woman-Happy

To make a woman happy .......

A man only needs to be:

1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master

7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

44. Give her compliments regularly
45. Love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. Not stress her out
49. Not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

50. Give her lots of attention, but expect little
yourself
51. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself

52. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where
she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

53. Never to forget:
* Birthdays
* Anniversaries
* Arrangements she makes





&


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:



1. Leave him alone

Monday, June 18, 2007

How-To-Identify-Cities-In-India

How to Identify Cities in India

Scenario 1
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, then a fourth and they start arguing about who's right.
You are in Kolkata

Scenario 2
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, sees them
and walks on.
That's Mumbai

Scenario 3
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along & tries to
make peace.The first two get together & beat him up.
That's Delhi

Scenario 4
Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes
along and quietly opens a chai-stall
That's Ahmedabad.

Scenario 5
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes he writes a
software program to stop the fight. But the fight doesn't stop b'cos
of a bug in the program.
That's Bangalore

Scenario 6
Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes
along and quietly says that "AMMA" doesn't like all this nonsense.
Peace comes in.
That's Chennai.

Scenario 7
Two guys are fighting. Both of them take time out and call
their friends on mobile. Now the whole state is fighting.
You are DEFINITELY IN BIHAR

HR-Question-With-Right-Answers

Honestly, we will have these answers in our mind ...
but we give different, tailored and suitable answers
to the guy !

1.Why did you apply for this job?

I have applied for many jobs along with this and just
because you called me I am here.

2. Why do you want to work for this company?

I have to work for some company who ever gives me a
job, I don't have any specific company in mind.

3. Why should I hire you?

You have to hire some one, you may give me a try.

4.What would you do if this happened?

Well, it depends my mindset and mood at that
situation...

5.What is your biggest strength?

Basically, daring to join any company who pays me
well, without thinking of the fate of the company or
the project.

6.What is your biggest weakness?

Girls

7.What was your worst mistake, and how did you learn
from it?

Joining my earlier company and learnt that I need to
jump to get more money, so I am here today

8.What accomplishments in your last position are you
most proud of?

Had I accomplished any in my last position, why do I
need to change my job? I could demand more and stay
there.

9.Describe a challenge you faced and how you overcame
it?

Biggest challenge is answering the question "why are
you looking for a change" and I started blabbering
irrelevantly to overcome that.

10.Why did you leave/ are you leaving your last job?

For the same reason why you left your earlier job

11.What do you want from this job?

Sitting idle but keep giving good hikes

12.What are your career goals and how do you plan to
achieve them?

Make more money and for that keep jumping companies
for every 2 yrs

13. Did you hear of our company and what do you know
of us?

Yeah, I know that you will ask this, I've gone through
your website

14.What is the salary expected and how do justify
that?

Well, no one will change job for the same salary,
hence, give me 20% extra than what I am getting and
that is unpublished industry standard

(I know you will bargain on what ever I ask,hence, I
have already hiked my current salary by 30%)

Friday, June 15, 2007

Stupid-Questions-Great-Answers

STUPID QUESTIONS WITH THE SMART ANSWERS


BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.




GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...




GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??




GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple



GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??




MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.




WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in! one ear
and comes out of the
other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both
ears and comes out of the mouth.




MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What
do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.




Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on
talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".




Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father
is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".




Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a
donkey and stopped him,
what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".




Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say
prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good
cook".




Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of
COINCIDENCE?"
Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on
the same day and at the
same time."

Thursday, June 14, 2007

lets-see-your-logic

This puzzle is called Lateral Thinking .
Scroll down slowly and be honest to yourself.

Think like a wizard . . .



man
1. ------------

board





Ans. = man overboard


Okay, let's see if you've got the hang of it.




stand
2. ------------

i



Ans. = I understand



OK . . .
Got the drift ?

Let's try a few now and see
how you fare ?



3. /r/e/a/d/i/n/ g/







Ans. = reading between the lines

!




4. r
road
a

d







Ans. = cross road


Not having a good day now, are you ?

Redeem yourself.





5. cycle
cycle
cycle







Ans. = tricycle


Not easy to figure out ha!







0
6. ------------
M.D.

Ph.D.








Ans. = two degrees below zero




C'mon give it a little thought ! !





knee
7. ------------

light








Ans. = neon light
!
( knee - on - light )



U can prove u r smart by getting this one.



ground
8. ------------ ---

feet feet feet feet feet feet








Ans. = six feet underground




Oh no, not again ! !







9. he's X himself







Ans. = he's by himself




Now u messing up big time.





10. ecnalg







Ans. = backward glance


Not even close ! !





11. death ..... life








Ans. = life after death


Okay last chance ............ ......


12. THINK
!








Ans. = think big ! !





And the last one is real fundoo - - -



13. ababaaabbbbaaaabbbb ababaabbaaabbbb. ..







Ans. = long time no 'C'
( see )

Request To The Visitor.

Please don't forget to write your comment's OR suggestions at the end of the blog. Have a nice time.... & Thanks in advance....